Posted by ANGE FONCE on Tuesday, January 15, 2013 Under: DYNAMIC RELATIONSHIPS For Men & Women
Why Relationships Change After Dating To Being In A "Committed" Relationship.
All our relationships require us to stretch as an individual. In fact there may be no more important place in life to practice and improve your flexibility and growth in your self than in your personal and intimate relationships. Getting over the thinking that your own desires are the most important consideration at any given moment is a lifelong practice in flexibility. Realizing that your relationships is your most profound teacher to get beyond your own individual desires is at once its purpose, challenged and its gift. Learning to show up for the people you love in ways that are authentic is how you build safety into your loving relationships.
Possessing the ability to be flexible and the ability to stretch beyond your comfort zones are in many circumstances how you learn to feel and express your love. Participating in any intimate relationship, whether it is as a partner, parent, friend or sibling is nothing if not a juggling act. Holding your own needs and desires in one hand while recognizing and responding to the needs of your loved ones is an imperfect equation on most days. Success comes in small moments of reaching beyond where you thought you could go in both letting go and taking on new ways of interacting.
In the following story I share with you from everyday life in everyday relationships. How showing up well or not happens in a myriad of ways in daily life. Notice how each partner stretches in ways that are not comfortable but are worth the effort…
Janine was getting ready to leave for book group when her husband, Thomas, called from work.
“I have to finish this project,” he said. “I’m really sorry, Jan.”
She knew how much he wanted to be promoted, and how much was riding on his performance at the office. But in truth, she was growing weary of calls like this, which meant she would either scramble to find a sitter, which they could ill afford, or cancel her plans—again.
“Not tonight,” she barked into the phone. “I cancelled last time, and if I’m not there it means I’ll have read the book for nothing. Again. Can’t you just bring the work home with you?”
“I’ll see,” was all he said. “Let me call you back.”
After she hung up the phone and wiped away the tears that were rising to the surface, she headed for the phone to call a sitter. On the way, she passed the shelving unit for her son’s room sitting in the hallway. It was almost complete— Thomas had stayed up late the night before to assemble it, stopping only when he realized he was missing an essential part. She stepped into her son’s room with a different thought.
“Let’s go,” she said. “We’ll get Thai take out and visit your dad at work.”
Close your eyes and remember a time in your own relationship where your partner did not show up the way you had wanted them to be. Then remember a time when stretching your boundaries and letting go of expectations actually made you feel better about yourself or your partner/child/parent.
What opened in you that allowed you to find space that you did not know you had?
Is there a place in your body that you can sense when you stretch or relax into a challenging situation?
Try this practice. Every day commit to working on a physical stretch that is challenging for you, like bending forward and touching your toes or sitting down with legs outstretched and reaching for your ankles. Give yourself ten breaths to move deeper into the stretch and with each breath imagine how you can open up to your relationship.
It is easy to confuse your capacity to show up for each other with the more passive tendency you slip into of coexisting. Couples become complacent of each other when they grow accustomed to not allowing themselves to need or be needed. But coexisting does not have the stickiness factor that showing up and being flexible does, because it happens as a matter of course, not a matter of choice.
Choosing your relationship health and finding the flexibility to feed it translates into all the dynamics that make a relationship great. Communications get easier and softer, passion gets ignited and your thoughts about your life improve. So stretch a little and call what you are doing as loving and building "intimacy."
WHY RELATIONSHIPS CHANGE AFTER MARRIAGE
Dating couples whose dreams include marriage would do well to step back and reflect upon the type of support they would like from their partners when they cross the threshold from dating to a committed relationship. Will the partner who supports your goals and aspirations while you are dating also help you fullfill important responsibilities and obligations that come with with being in a committed relationship?
Now do you ever ask that question?
Because the answer to that question could make a difference in how satisfied you are after tying the knot of commitment. Trusting that your partner is there to help you grow into the person you aspire to be can give higher relationship satisfaction for both dating and committed couples.
Do you know that when your partner helps you live up to your responsibilities and uphold your commitments. Most individuals who commit to helping, working and supporting each other enjoy a higher relationship satisfaction after marriage or entering an exclusive committed relationship
For dating couples, the relationship itself tends to revolve around whether things are moving forward. Happiness with a partner depends on whether the relationship will grow into something more, whether a partner will support the dreams the other eventually wants to achieve.
For committed couples, the feeling that their partners are helping them to advance their relationships and realize their ideal achievements is still important. But the relationships of committed couples, are now more interconnected both practically, emotionally and psychologically, tend to revolve around upholding the commitment each made to their partner.
Unlike dating couples, committed couples also put a "high premium" on their partners’ support in keeping to their part of the deal.
In other words, the feelings of being loved and supported that people use to measure who makes a good girlfriend or boyfriend may not be completely trustworthy in deciding who makes a good committed partner, husband or wife.
Those feelings may only partially capture the emotions that will determine your satisfaction with the person you marry.
And the "buzz" of those feelings can blind you to the reality of that other person.
Not honouring "commitments" when people get married or enter into an exclusive committed relationship is important in explaining why so many marriages fall apart. Both partners are making assumptions that they thought their partner understood and supported both them and the responsibilities they had set for themselves. Because their assumptions were wrong which leads to deep resentment and destructive behaviour towards each other. Which destroys their relationship.
Scientific research into the nature of human relationships overwhelmingly demonstrates an important connection between feelings about partner support and satisfaction with a relationship but does not reveal any differences for dating versus married couples. By identifying different ways in which people feel supported by their partners, and maintaining perceived responsibilities seems to be important for satisfaction only after marriage or being in a committed relationship..
People planning to get married or fully commit to each other. Best take time to think about not only how their partners support what they want to achieve but also about how their partners support what they think they want to accomplish!
When both partners honour those commitments. You end up with both happier marriages and partnerships and more satisfied couples in general.
Remember when You do enter into a committed relationship with each other or get Married. You do make a "Commitment" to each other.
Emotionally, Mentally, Sexually and Legally.
But the question is....Do you keep to it and "Honour" your commitment to your partner?
And remember....always leave a man or a woman all the better for knowing you. Average men and women know only the rules. Masculine Men and Feminine Women know and are the EXCEPTIONS!
For Love, Passion and Intimacy.......
Catch you later
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To contact Ange Fonce for Coaching with any Relationship Problems you are having......
To contact Ange Fonce for Coaching with any Relationship Problems you are having......
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